Going towards something so scary
The future
My mind is on coffee
But I can only drink decaf
From all the times my heart exploded
And lost my identity
Now it is so slow
The days keep going
And I really don't want to go with them
But living is the only thing that breathes
And I have been suffocating
Under a tarp that is heavy
I don't know my way yet
And it is so scary
To know I can fall
Back into depression
All I know is something is right
But I don't see the right
And I still loath the ongoing call of my name
It isn't right
All I know is all the shame
I put on my brothers and friends
I want to walk away with a smile
But my dear old self is still inside
Waiting
Waiting
For my blood to be clean
So I can sleep at least one night without getting up
It's a terrible thing, blood
My body on the right side gets numb
Then creepy crawlies enter my legs
It is so not the same
As when I was in my mid 20's
It's not the same game
And I have to go now for my stability
To doctors and group therapy
For years I don't know
I just have to keep the ball running
For my life is at stake
And everyone is nice
I am glad to say
But the window is only open till mid night
All the day's are not the same
As I increase and decrease my energy
I can't fall
I just can't
Or everything I have done till now
From 16 days ago
Has turned around
A new person
Which is me
Who has found a light of source before me
I woke too late to get this internally
I will wash away the bad
And watch it dissipate
And be late all over again with warning
Today is something of sun and it feels wonderful on my body
Ill gather my things and go already
It is time
Time to get going
Reminding myself it is okay
To be free of the evil
That sent me down the narrow halls
I am breathing now
So it is time to go
The future
My mind is on coffee
But I can only drink decaf
From all the times my heart exploded
And lost my identity
Now it is so slow
The days keep going
And I really don't want to go with them
But living is the only thing that breathes
And I have been suffocating
Under a tarp that is heavy
I don't know my way yet
And it is so scary
To know I can fall
Back into depression
All I know is something is right
But I don't see the right
And I still loath the ongoing call of my name
It isn't right
All I know is all the shame
I put on my brothers and friends
I want to walk away with a smile
But my dear old self is still inside
Waiting
Waiting
For my blood to be clean
So I can sleep at least one night without getting up
It's a terrible thing, blood
My body on the right side gets numb
Then creepy crawlies enter my legs
It is so not the same
As when I was in my mid 20's
It's not the same game
And I have to go now for my stability
To doctors and group therapy
For years I don't know
I just have to keep the ball running
For my life is at stake
And everyone is nice
I am glad to say
But the window is only open till mid night
All the day's are not the same
As I increase and decrease my energy
I can't fall
I just can't
Or everything I have done till now
From 16 days ago
Has turned around
A new person
Which is me
Who has found a light of source before me
I woke too late to get this internally
I will wash away the bad
And watch it dissipate
And be late all over again with warning
Today is something of sun and it feels wonderful on my body
Ill gather my things and go already
It is time
Time to get going
Reminding myself it is okay
To be free of the evil
That sent me down the narrow halls
I am breathing now
So it is time to go
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