Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
sculpture
haunting messages
sun burst's out of sky
frozen morning
sit outside
with dog
and coffee
contemplate what he will say
at 10:30
don't want to lose
or be unhappy
breathe after exchange of messages
hauntingly unsatisfying
one will rest
quite unnecessary
on chip of shoulder
waited for 3 more hours
frozen feet now
shivering dog
go back home
wait for call
20 minutes now
Monday, January 16, 2012
descending up
In the day's
where I become
Human in release
When descending down
I go up
With helium
Up and up
Where city light's
Are a billion a sight
Indsie and out
I am human
With helium powers
Descending up
Kissing the sky
Like my lover
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
it's been 5 month's
wed jan,11,7:23am 2012
I use to wake up at 4 am in the morning, I would get out of the house before the sun shone. Today, I left the house, went to the coffee shop, just like I use to way back before, before dusk, those day's ago, in the freezing cold. I didn't have a dog back then. He keep's my lap warm.
This morning, after an insomniac nite, writing song's, I can't get myself out of my head. So I listen, here, at the coffee shop, outside, with my earbud's in, to my own song's and reminisce. Some are so horrible, some are so good, lyrically, sloppy guitar playing, but some good guitar part's, I would never be able to re create. They make me sad, and happy, as if I know that I haven't lost my self just yet. They don't want me to time travel or anything, only by mean's of re recording the fucker's. I have, I have weird spoken word stuff with weird music in the background, poem's. And even my novel. Being manic is weird sometimes. Listening to me talking about being crazy, and I remember how it felt, to write those very poem's, I remember. My egotistical self, my ego trip. Hasn't gotten too bad since the hospital. Iv'e been steady.
I don't usually put myself in a before and after scenario of the hospital, but twice I noticed I have. I think Iv'e was better. But I wasn't. It seem's like year's ago, but it's only been 5 month's. Recuperation hasn't even begun, I should be in major therapy activities, dealing with this, what is real, is really scary. I could be almost ready, but I suffocated the day I was released, thinking it was the best thing that had ever happened to me, when it was probably the worst thing they could have done. They released me on good behavior, when they should have known I was still suicidal. I suffocated the day I entered the place, I still haven't exhaled.
You may think this is sad, but it doesn't make me sad. I don't like to make people sad, or bummed out. This is just reality, it is nothing to pity, to worry, or to not read because it is too personal, and or just bumming you out. It is real, I am a normal human being. I know by now no one want's to read about bummer stuff, I wouldn't even call it bummer, I just assume it so, for people have had the opportunity to know me by this way, and they never did, because my shit is a bore, or just a bummer. I say fuck that shit, because if anyone want's to know me, they must read my thought's, because that's the only thing you will get. I don't let shit out. You can't feel a panic attack until you read it first person, know how it feel's to be in anguish about not knowing how to do normal human being thing's. I'm not just o.k. with myself, I'm not saying I am insecure, I am saying, I am not comfortable in my own skin, in my own body. And I am confident. I am a confident person, which make's it all the harder to be so uncomfortable, and in anguish. To hate your self, but have such a big ego.
cold
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The being of us
Stratosphere linked to our bodies
Sun streak's to our skin
Unrealized time
On our bed
Where we lay our head's
And kiss the fear
No where out there
Does another pair exist
Like us together,
Don't we wish
Of us everlasting
Beyond time,
Beyond anybody else
Or reason
Linked our bodies
Sun keep's us alive
No matter how dark
No matter which where
Or declaring war
While we are not out there
Sitting in peace which
We grant to each other
Freckle's and hiccup's
Drinking from our bin's
There is enough here
To make us live
A proper life
Just you and I
We can procrastinate
We can persist
We can dive all into this
Or step by step
Which we take
Carefully, fragile
Like a little bird's egg
And so many different way's
This can go
And so many different way's
This can move
And so many different way's
This can transform
We chose the outer layer
Where thing's are seen
An opening to heaven
Where we must be
Because I can see
The all that must be
The forever out going
gilded
Start's out where you don't realize
When you hit the floor with giddy
And time past, wasn't time at all
It was all a hit and miss
With a hit, shrouded out
Growing now
Going out now
With hand's tied together
Listless, yet gilded